Either too early or too late – the Ton women way. And, as per usual, the latter.
“Mothers are all slightly insane.” – J.D. Salinger
Following my mom’s – and most of the Ton women’s – footsteps, I am a born caretaker. There is this natural, yet compelling need to serve others.
However, this innate characteristic/element is preventative from knowing how to put myself first. Even on dates, I used to insist on paying for dinner or opening the door for myself. I would do anything and everything to avoid inconveniencing anyone else. In short, I do not understand the idea of letting someone take care of me (to the point where the idea even makes me uncomfortable).
This lack of understanding often causes more problems than one would expect – because how can you consistently know what makes anyone happy, other than yourself? Like trying to love someone before you get a chance to love yourself, it begins on unstable footing. Like putting on someone else’s air mask before you put on your own, it’s prioritizing controlling the uncontrollable. You’re essentially setting yourself up for failure. And, if I may be candid, it can be incredibly wearing to give time and patience – especially when you have little to start with – in all directions, at all times, without knowing if it’s helping anyone or creating any ounce of happiness.
To think about others so much, or too much, that you are inevitably labeled crazy.
So whether this is my greatest virtue or biggest flaw, that’s your call, but it’s the one piece of me I wouldn’t change for anything else. It’s the piece that reminds me every day that I am my mother’s daughter.
Thank you for everything you do for me, Stef, Drew & Dad! Not to mention the countless others that you continue to go out of your way to help. Thank you for the unlimited amount of love, chocolate, and unsolicited advice you send – it never goes unnoticed, or without gratitude. Thank you for pushing us to be the best by providing for us with the best – it’s the only way you know how to. Thank you for teaching us how to be gracious for what we are given – despite the fact that we grew up with everything only because you made sure we did.
Thank you for telling me how awful my outfits look
ed before I walk out of the house and made a fool of myself – particularly because I am absolutely going to wear another outfit you hate in the near future, and you’ll have to repeat yourself. Thank you for listening to me cry about every boy that never texted me back. Thank you for offering to pay for flights, broker fees, and Barnes & Noble memberships because funds were tight that month. Thank you for staying up with me post-surgery. Thank you for accepting my hair. Thank you for waking up and reading every Friday, without fail.
But most of all, thank you for all of the fights we have; the fights we have because we are exactly the same person: impatient, stubborn, and
know think we’re always right. Because each one gives me a small glimpse into the kind of woman you are – the kindest, selfless, and most misunderstood there is – and the kind of woman I think I am becoming. If there is one piece of you that I hope to emulate one day, it’s your unforgiving generosity.
Thank you, mom, because God knows you are not thanked enough for all of your ‘crazy.’
Love you more than anything this blog post could have potentially come up with besides the above,